Top-Notch Rattlings

2010-01-18T10:38:00.000+08:00

“I don’t think there is anything higher than love. I mean, I’m not sure what could possibly come after love because love is so expansive. I had such difficult coming up with a definition for love in my book, but the way I define love is the selfless promotion of the growth in the other…”

- Tim Sanders

The world doesn’t adapt their perspective towards you just because you changed, just because you feel that you have more love to give. Global warming does not eliminate itself just because one person conserves.

I used to be fearless, in a sense I couldn’t give about how people judge. But while talking to him yesterday, this big enormous fear just explodes in me. I feel afraid to go out. I feel like I’m in Zombieland, not the comedy version. The real life human don’t give a damn you’re human/dog eat dog world version. I sense cruelty in this cult, everyone wants to be a better version of themselves, but they want something more: To also be a better version of you.

Backstabbing exist no more. Its raining blades today. You can’t shelter yourself with umbrellas! You gotta build 4 walls and a ceiling above you! That is if you can even find a solid ground!

People draw near only if you have something to offer, more often that offer is not just a simple friendship, or love.

Sometimes I feel like I only have myself to trust. They speak of you like you’ve never been hurt, never been betrayed. They speak of you like they’re perfect. Like they know you better than you will ever, EVER know yourself. They speak of you as if you’re not human.

But I’m only human. We are only human.

The dimensions of reality is difficult to latch on. Simple things like trust, faith, belief become complex to the human brain.

How else can you find closure?

I guess I found mine, to see beauty in wreckage. To apologise to yourself and move on.

2010-01-15T02:34:00.001+08:00

I want to start writing

Again.

2009-09-12T20:16:00.003+08:00

Mute

Because I bear not to remove this space

But I am moving

再见

2009-08-20T13:22:00.000+08:00

2009-08-17T15:14:00.002+08:00

17. Goodbye

I wish sometimes you'd judge yourself more than you'd judge me. I wish sometimes instead of waiting for me to trip on my mistakes you'd care more. i wish sometimes you'd just shut the fuck and and listen. For once. And just when I thought I've met another beautiful soul you came around to prove me wrong. So thank you very much, for judging me, and being there to kick me when I tripped, thank you for jesting my wounds for you know nothing, nothing at all about me. As much as I wanna turn the tables to defend you, your actions, your words, I can't find no more reasons to do that anymore. I know I am no better human being myself but still, thank you very much. For being there for nothing.

Love,
me

2009-07-21T15:35:00.003+08:00

21. You Hold Me Without Touch

"What's the best thing thats ever happened to you?"

He asked

I was stuck for that moment

Dumbfounded

I imagined my birth

A mother's smile

I traced back to moments of folly

Careful not to lapse

"Everything

everything is the best thing thats ever happened to me

I see everything as God's plan

Bad things shape you to become who you are

Good things are blessings i guess"

I never knew life was the best thing

Thats ever happened to me

P.S. thanks for reminding me

2009-07-19T16:34:00.002+08:00

"The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more that you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer, because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt."

-Thomas Merton

One year from now, I was searching for something, I still am. I still can't grasp reality, can't see beauty beyond flaws. Its ugly, downright ugly. This world, everyone with me included. When I look through these pages, I feel so vulnerable and exposed, almost too bare. I can't keep the walls down, I can't give a part of me I know someone can break - my heart

2009-06-08T20:52:00.001+08:00

08. Laugh, because it's either laugh or cry

I've been running out of cynical thoughts

Something to manifest about

I'm stuck in this realm where everything is just the way it is

I'm waiting for someone to shake this realm I'm in

May I acknowledge your existence as such

Because pain has never felt this awakening

Acquiesced without ratification

Silence

Because no talk nor act

Nor even love

Could resurrect this

We dropped the key a damn long time ago

Laying back to back between a latched door

& this is only as close as it will get

With nothing more

& nothing less

2009-06-06T06:14:00.003+08:00

Have you ever felt this way? You gave in, and gave up, just for that special friend, pour in your heart and soul to nurture it, but it's still not good enough. What is not good enough, the fact that I am your human doormat? The fact that putting in an inch of effort is that demanding a burden when I am still silently cautiously deciphering your diary to figure that everything is depreciated? I don't wanna compare. The list could go on. Your list could go on. My list could go on. And I justified all reasons for you not to care, and I couldn't bear to single out any one of them.

A: I was told that I am one human doormat

B: no

You are a human doormat with a "welcome" sign

I can't believe that I am blogging about this 6:27 in the morning...

2009-06-03T16:09:00.002+08:00

03. Blindsided

At times we lose track of what we want in the first place

The hypothesis seems strange

Strange enough to shape irony

How did I go out of point?

How did pain become my comfort zone?

He said - "you can never describe happiness, until you believe in it"

What do you believe in?

2009-05-30T12:29:00.002+08:00

30. Boston

Letting emotions flow through your eyes

While staring at your reflection

Trying to suss things out

While hating every bit of your guts

Its an ironic human condition

Have you watched yourself cry so hard

You cry harder upon the reality of being ever so crushed?

Everyday I remind myself

Its just a phase

And its about time to take a turn

But its always easier to write pain than to write happiness

So many unanswered questions

Why?

Last night while sitting beside D,

A kid ran to a seat beside ours

"Mummy I am tired I wanna sit down" - she said

I turned & whispered

"A small kid knows better than us, to rest after a long run. Maybe its time to stop walking, crippling, running. Maybe it's just time to stop, no need to ponder, no need to think - just breathe"

2009-05-10T23:09:00.002+08:00

11. Where's My Head

Recently

I find myself wanting to drown myself in a pool of tears

Then I realised I am done doing that

I am put in a position where I am forced to grow up

All I want is a day minus the drama

I find myself in a pressure cooker position

Whereby you don't even know when the pressure will act up

I am pretty much left with no choice

I realised I might have changed

Unknowingly

I guess its time

& I'll move on

p.s. morning jog tmr at 6am... hope it doesn't rain

2009-05-10T17:26:00.008+08:00

10. " Sunset is the saddest light of the day."

Where unfamiliar places bring you

the solitary solitude

intriguing strangers

& a new breath of liberation

Sometimes someone along tells you something you have been trying to figure

Put it in a nice sentence

& make you think about it the whole day

I wished I know better

I wished my soul never trace me back here

I am tired of all of your initial one-liners

burnished with end-notes & apologies

Maybe I was cynical all along

But it kept me really strong

I am not defeated

Yet

2009-05-10T12:37:00.005+08:00

10. Le Lies & Alibies

What is it again? The same phrases, coming from the same phases.

And guess what, it is the reason why I don't believe the reality of love, the reason why I restrain myself from staking my own emotions, my own heart. I dont want to elevate and dive right back in crashing again.

It's all and always the same.

Please remind me why you'd pour those words out sincerely, knowing one day you'll take it all back.

2009-05-05T23:32:00.001+08:00

05. "Reality can destroy the dream; why shouldn't the dream destroy reality?"

When was the last time you did something without the expense of your own happiness? When was the last time someone told you that you deserve that happiness, and really mean it? Sometimes you feel like you want to move on and leave the baggage you lift off from square one. Seemingly cinch. The next step is only to keep an eye on the light, but the light never fails to cast a long narrow shadow behind your back reminding you of your past defaults. The irony of it all, I always look back and get drawn into that shadow, and I run, and I run, and that shadow runs with me. I lost a lot, for what used to be part of the magnitude in my life. I have learnt for most parts, multi-tasking is a real bitch. In quest to defend both others' and my own feelings, I was defeated terribly. It dawned to me that when you fight for your own happiness, you fight alone. And sometimes it's just so hard reminding myself to keep up to just as simple as having a good day, for once, for myself. Sometimes I feel like my faith has constantly been battered and the meltdowns are what people don't see, yet judge you for. At the end of it all, what really matters? Sometimes I feel as though I am containing life, which really should be the other way around instead.

Between living life and living regrets, I wish I could choose the former.

2009-05-03T20:32:00.003+08:00

03. Remembering Sunday

What will you risk to love somebody? Would you risk the ghost of your past to guard the present? The foundation of lies is creepy at times. But both truths and lies, they stand on same grounds.

Dreaming seems so much easier these days... and I guess that margin between dreams and reality is...., i don't know, I can't draw a line between them both. Because I don't know how to accept the reality of it all, the realization of it all, the bottom line of everything else.

She said that perhaps things feel different, and foreign, and dreaming is so much better. But when we wake up and we don't have what we dreamt about, we ought to go find it, and fight until we have it. She told me I deserve more.

I digress.

I tried.

Vulnerability in love is but inevitable. Endings are bleak, let me breathe.

2009-05-03T20:20:00.002+08:00

Okay, another adv for my dear friend ALFRED!

Do visit his online store:

CLICK HERE

2009-04-19T13:57:00.003+08:00

Okay I seldom do selling post ad but do check out this online store set up by a friend!!!!

http://jackroom.livejournal.com/

And anyway I have decided to create Twitter in my boring office hours

http://twitter.com/Swinggg

2009-04-15T11:18:00.002+08:00

15. out of reach

Pace

For the time I'm gone

It's as though time stopped forever

I thought about people, and more people

How they rendered in my life

or maybe not

I gave significance a new hint

I gave it to me

I could be happy

I should be

Its only one way to begin

For once I apprehend that when your world stops revolving

No one stops for you

No one stops with you

& when you lost momentum in life

You see people move on

But you are still here

Like a photograph

Living in that moment

For that moment

Its heartbreaking

2009-03-29T17:12:00.002+08:00

29. 相愛很難

It's always comforting to listen to dad sing.

A cantonese song that brings out the nature of love

相愛真的很難...

缘份

I asked him if he believes in fate

"Fate, is for those who lost faith

They need another reason for love

They looked for fate"

The irony above all,

I believe in neither fate, nor love.

I believe in chances

Chances we make for ourselves

2009-03-20T16:51:00.003+08:00

20. STFU

You know what's heart-breaking? When you put every inch of yourself out for that someone, that friend, that lover, anyone - and at the end of the day you realize you are nothing more to a human doormat. You put yourself down even though it never was your fault, you bite in every thoughts you have to repel, just to save the relationship. And one fine day when you decide to finally liberate your feelings into words, everything comes crumbling down because people are so used to you as an afterthought. You are nothing but a best supporting actress that buck the movie up.

The punch line?

"I cried watching a comedy movie last night. I spent most of my time wondering what makes people happy to realize that the belief of humanity is sometimes a comical suicide. Because when you put yourself all out not to realize the depth of this relationship, you hit the ground slower, but with greater impact. What an irony."

2009-03-15T17:12:00.002+08:00

15. Naked Light

Today it rained. I watched the rain drops as they race each other to the window sill. The heart in my chest felt foreign and beat in a separate rhythm than the rest of my body. It looked stunningly beautiful. The world through the rain is moving with the rain drops creeping down the window pane. I no longer fear disappointment nor pain, sadness became almost non existent. The world looked back at me. They see tears streaming down, but this time, from the window pane. I detach myself from the thoughts, feelings, tears, angst, misery. I am the abstract piece of art that they're looking at, the one they try to decipher, but they don't see me, they don't know me. The cold air sinks as my feet stiffened. The rain found its place on the ground to end its cycle. The restless thoughts dissipate. Its beautiful, a raining afternoon, Sunday the 15th.

2009-03-14T18:54:00.002+08:00

14. A&C

The problem with advertisers?

They make consumers believe in their client's product.

The problem with consumers?

Most of them make believe with that.

But it's stupid isn't it?

We don't see acne on Vanessa's face

for a need for her to use a Clear-Acne product to even begin with...

I was bored and doing advert surfing on youtube

pardon me

2009-02-27T02:01:00.005+08:00

27.Inclined

Disappointment beats out depression in this sense, and in this case I was the catalyst. It's like wax on fingers, the pain that begins lingers to numb you. I peel off the emotional film that has left me breathless for way too long. Crying in the morning only seem impossible for as long as I can ever recall. If only life was clement. She said people don't change. They change for themselves, adapt, because life calls for it. We add things, people to our lives, then we change and adapt and mould to fit them. It was conspicuous as we both saw it coming. Like a beautiful force charging right towards you. Oblivious, you only reckon it when it hits you, and bam, you fall right back to reality. But reality becomes nothing when its on replay mode, you can already mouth its next line. You peer upon your reflection to find an antagonist peering back.

But guess what,

I already know the next line.

2009-02-15T14:52:00.003+08:00

If you'd ask me the similarities between

birthdays and disappointments,

It'd be that they're predictable

But unlikely to be anticipated.

2009-02-01T21:45:00.002+08:00

I've been living separate lives lately, to realise that I perfect none.

As a friend, lover, daughter

Sometimes when you're plagued with all kinds of fear

How would you confront them?

When you reminisce on the strings of events that changed you

How long would you allow yourself to regret them?

With the attempt to forget you end up reminding yourself of many things

While you miss the highlight of your life

So embrace pain

As it embraces life

2009-01-24T19:16:00.005+08:00

24. zzzZZzZZZzzzzZZzzzz

"We've come to a point where we don't care how we dress to school anymore..."

School's a bitch, there's so many project it weighs me down to my feet. And talking about weight, I've lost confidence in stepping onto a weighing machine knowing that those 2 nasty digits would weigh me down even more. Let me see, I ate Mee Goreng, Nasi bryani mutton, lots of curry, 4 packets of potato chips and chicken rice today. That equates to almost 4 meals, not just for today, but every single day. My stress relief formula is causing me to be even more stressed. 23 days to my birthday and also the end of this annoying semester. Till then.

2009-01-16T09:56:00.002+08:00

16. Dear Mom,

I had a huge quarrel with my mom yesterday before leaving the house, those typical childish arguments. I left without saying bye and slammed the door hard. It felt really good on my part. I should really just grow up shouldn't I? Came home and I was looking for my I/C in her drawer (turning 18 soon so yes, there's finally a point to carry it around) and I found a letter I wrote to her when I was 9 years old...

"To: Dear Mom!!!

We are not the richest people but we're not poor [either] mom, but you have made me the richest girl in the world! [It is] Your love and care which money can't buy. This is the greatest gift from you! Although I am naughty sometimes, but i do not like you to scold me! Everyday I pray to God that you will be safe and healthy because I Love You!"

From: Amanda"

I was 9 years old so don't expect any fancy language from me. I like me when I was 9 because I am this straightforward. And to understand that love isn't about buying me the latest Barbie doll on the rack revealed that I was a little grown up in my own ways, when I was 9.

I was so childish yesterday morning. Slap me.

2009-01-14T18:51:00.003+08:00

14. Beauty out of the wreck

Was semi-blinded today as my contact lenses gave me problems again (yet again). Took my contacts out, wrapped up my day in school and carried a huge burden home with me. Have you ever felt sorry for yourself that you might just let out a huge cry? I was on the bus, crowded as usual. Suppressing the tears in my eyes I shuffled to seek for my mp3. Sad songs, why did I even place them in the first place? Set my concentration to outside the window, the blurry sights kept me distracted from my own feelings, and there and then, it all fell into place. The passing trees, the pale green leaves wending in rhythm with the wind, Obscure but beautiful indeed. I guess that's all that ever matters, looking with the heart.

Obscurity can sometimes be such beauty.

2009-01-08T08:04:00.000+08:00

2 months ago...

"I think...

I don't know anything anymore, any much, any less. I don't wanna know, don't think I wanna know. Oblivious is nothing but a beautiful bliss, adequate tragedy. Love, is nothing but deluded propaganda to make the world a "better place". If only we can all hail "fuck off", and everyone can say "yeah, fuck". This is nothing but a stupid fucking blog post. But do I care? Do I give a fucking damn? So far I know of nothing that overwhelms me, not even death, not love, nor life. Whatever that is, life must be a whole damn shit of conspiracy, lies, and more lies. I am a lie, so is everyone else. How else do we convey true feelings, true to the bones, honesty that gives chills down the spine back to the toes. Truth that gives a ringing sensation, something fresh to keep you awake without caffeine. So live, live in the dream we dream, hate and love as you want to, nothings gives in, nothing breathes out. Nothingness is a spiraling..."

Today...

What could have possibly made me this angry 2 months ago? ...

I have to skip school today because of my sore eyes, its pretty cool to see your eyes fully bloodshot, way cooler than marilyn manson's pupil BS. Felt like a little kid when I knocked on my mom's door to tell her that I need to go the doctor later. She was like, "how old are you? just walk to the clinic yourself later?!"

Yeah, I almost forgot the fact that I am turning 18 in a month's time. Totally. I don't know what's with me, post pms or something? I went to my room and cried for a little (mostly because I felt like my mom doesn't care so nobody cares), felt like a 5 year old all over again.

But the bottom line is, I still have to go to the docs later. Myself. I have no idea why, but every time when I go to the doc alone, I feel a sense of accomplishment, like wow I am an adult and I can do this myself. i feel like I am at this mid-age, where I am neither a kid nor an adult. I want to grow up, yet I adore being a kid. But being a teen is good, it's all good. You can never laugh the way you laugh when you're a kid, never make childish jokes when you grow up, make yourself a total embarrassment in public without giving a damn. You can never fall in love like the first time you did with your childhood crush. Its all good. Yes, I am embracing it.

"The world is a playground. We knew that as a kid. But somewhere along the line we forgot that."

- Allison

Confessions of a teenager.......... Darn....

2008-12-31T16:31:00.002+08:00

31. WTFGGGGGGGGGGG

Unlike many others, I don't like to set goals and resolutions and whatnot, knowing that ultimately many unpredictable events leaves your goals and resolutions dangling and eventually forgotten. But like many others, I shall just make up a list of new year's resolution for upcoming 2009. Gosh, I can't believe I am turning 18 soon.

In 2009, I will

1) Like everyone advises, drink less

2) Get my driving license

3) Turn 18 (like definitely achievable)

4) Relax, & go to Bintan with friends

5) Zouk more (only applicable in the holidays, but to hell with it)

6) Didn't I just say drink less? Women are such bitches at contradicting themselves

7) Stop contradicting yourself, no, myself

8) Get less hangover (like the one I'm having right now)

9) Attend my violin lessons at regular basis (come on already)

10) Embrace MCM year 2

11) Forgive and Forget

12) Be happy!

What. A. Resolution.

2008-12-29T08:01:00.001+08:00

On the 29th December 1990, my best friend wailed. So this year, she wouldn't fail buying her favourite viceroy menthol lights. What am I thinking, sorry nat, hangover from last night. You know I love you! Happy Birthday!

2008-12-27T18:43:00.005+08:00

27. I Don't Need To Understand No More

Saturday spent at home. Chilly weather. Didn't rain though. I remember half my christmas eve spent alone, under shelter watching the rain as it chilled my blood; it chilled my heart. Sat at the same spot, he turned and smiled at me. What a lovely stranger. Waiter turned and he saw me, Erdinger as usual for my pretty lady there. He was wrong, I wanted Moet that grey evening, but as usual, I was eating my words, keeping my thoughts. Erdinger it is, usual beer for that unusual lady. Took out a stick and lit it. Exhale; there my soul liberates. He stole another glance, mastered his courage and came. Alone? Yes I much prefer so. Why on this christmas eve? Because I guess I lost time, I lost mine. He knew more to it, I lost love. Had I inspired him? Because I have lost all inspirations. He peered deep into my eyes and saw from the very edge, there was tears, tears that yearned. He left. I guess I left him uninspired. What a shallow soul, no depth even with every cut. Pathetic, you're so pathetic.

2008-12-15T05:31:00.001+08:00

15. Bluebells in Late December

I remember when I was younger,

someone told me that stars are huge enormous rocks sitting across the universe.

We as humans, living on earth, million miles away from those huge rocks,

can only catch a glimpse of the stars as glitters and diamonds in the sky.

But its still beautiful, even from afar.

The stars remind me of you.

Tell me something,

love never fails, & love prevails.

Tell me something,

even if you'll stay there, and I'm still here

Tell me we're beautiful enough

2008-12-10T12:12:00.002+08:00

10. No Surprises

Rouse this morning

Frazzled

Carried with my keys

I left home with it

2008-12-09T19:34:00.000+08:00

"Sometimes the things you own, ends up owning you"

-Fight Club

Emotions, in this case.

you delve into your own hollow soul

as if its not deep enough

the first cut

as if its the first touch

Dwell, and there you swell

Cigarette butts

Stained your favorite cup

And there

Then

You realize

2008-11-07T00:37:00.002+08:00

07. Fate vs Destinee

A typical friday midnight

While this cryptical feeling

Ah, let it devour

Let us all wallow as we click replay

Folded arms & conversations

Unreachable

yet Undeniable

A typical friday midnight

While this cryptical feeling

Ah, let us devour

2008-11-03T21:51:00.003+08:00

03. The Drinks We Drink Last Night

"If you see these tears filling my eyes

It's just the wind that makes me cry

If you could feel this pain inside

It's from the drinks we drank last night

It's from the drinks we drank last night"

***

School has recently become a pain in the ass.

Stress level rise to the MAX!

So much so it's driving me and Nat to take a puff during each and every single break time (including those we self-declare in between classes)

Uploaded recent photos (in facebook) as well as replied some tags...

Okay, I am running out of words as well as time

Next up: Marketing project

2008-10-27T22:40:00.007+08:00

Beat it

Beat;
verb, beat, beat⋅en or beat, beat⋅ing, noun, adjective
–verb (used with object)

43. Informal. exhausted; worn out.

A long bus ride home striked reminiscence of events from the past

What have I become?

What have become of me?

Someday we will find answers to this peculiar question we ask ourselves all the time

Perhaps we have all drawn conclusions

Denial is easier to deal with

Easier than fear

Chilled out with some close friends tonight

He said something that gave me inspiration and courage to move on

Why draw hesitation from what people might feel towards your situation?

You determine what you do to make yourself happy

Never expected these words to wham all my emotional baggages down

& these simple words turn out to be what I have been waiting for

There are certain words you can't buy

But certain words they come by, the right time

What's worse than to feel indifferent towards your own feelings?

We can't please everyone

Get out someday

Please yourself

2008-10-22T17:56:00.002+08:00

Ever wondered what happens next after being pushed down the cliff?

I guess that's how it feels now

While on the verge of breaking down

They broke me down

Into fragments of what I know not anymore

It's always easy to say

For words are cheap

Nonetheless

Friendship

I thought it meant something,

We meant something

Then again

Words are cheap

Just cheap

2008-10-21T07:09:00.005+08:00

21. On a Tuesday's 7.a.m,

no coffee, just cigarettes

"Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop."

- Meredith Grey

P.S. It's the end,

The only difference - the chapter or the book

2008-10-18T22:57:00.000+08:00

12. Beliefs

And so it rings true:

You see what you see,

Hear what you hear,

Feelings can go wrong

But we believe in what we believe in

And there are many things

Little things,

that stands most vital to us

Little things we fail to see

Little things we fail to believe

We see but we see blindly

The world

We borrow one another's expression

Take in another's soul

We are too vain to see the tainted scars in ourselves

Yet we could see distinctly another's flaws

And the day you learn to see

Do it with your heart

And every night we smoke till ashes reaches the bud

Till the poison reaches our soul

Close our eyes

& We see

2008-10-06T21:08:00.004+08:00

V.2 Unhappiness Is An Invention, (is it?)

"Like a painting of a sorrow,

A face without a heart."

-Wilde

I listened closely to the echo in my head, the familiar cosy voice from the root of the heart, and sometimes I think to myself things I never dare to imagine. Tonight I set myself free from the determination, the struggle to seek closure, the belief of humanity which once exists, I let go, given up but look beneath the surface. We were born innocent, but we can never preserve naivete. As reality unlocks the chastity of an infant mind, perspectives will never be the same as ever before. We see everything we want to see, but we can choose whether to believe.

2008-10-02T22:13:00.002+08:00

V.1 I CAST THE LINE, YOU DREW DEFINITIONS

Have you ever felt intrigued by love?

It's subtle beauty and intensity.

The unfeigned emotions it raises.

Today I loved

But unlike yesterday

I lost

2008-09-26T03:29:00.005+08:00

25. Reverse of Shades

"True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable." -Dave Tyson Gentry

I like our friendship, because we know we will never judge each other. We know we can cry in the presence of one another, we know we can spill all our emotions and be ourselves. Never do we have to try harder, knowing we're imperfect in one way or another. And to me this is the greatest friendship of all kind, to be ourselves and to be accepted. You know we always say we trust each other so much, and that's the bridge between our friendship. I've figured out after a long while, it's not just trust that's keeping us together, it's love . Untainted love holding no intentions for ourselves, but only for one another.

With regards,

S.wing

2008-09-22T05:59:00.000+08:00

What if you slept?

And what if in your sleep, you dreamt?

And what if, in your dream, you went to heaven and there plucked a strange and beautiful flower?

And what if, when you awake, you had the flower in your hand?

Ah, what then?

—-Coleridge

2008-09-08T23:34:00.011+08:00

0.8 DISPOSABLE

SilverNight

CliqueIt

FriendsOverRainbow

SmokeEffect?!

GG!

GossipQueen

A friend of mine asked me this question - "Do you know how the world functions?"

And I answered, "Like a vicious cycle, it revolves around at its velocity, despite all the tragedies happening between humanity. It holds no emotion, but its people contributes to its beauty, as well as its flaws."

Sometimes there are things out of the grasp of your control, and happenstance is the only hypothesis available. Could it be a blessing in disguise to remind me of God's blessing? There are times you wish life could be better, but it is already perfect in its imperfection. Sometimes you wished you could address all your feelings without feeling all naked, undress all your thoughts and ditch the strong act, allow those tears that are due, to finally flow, and maybe the phase is over. Maybe I am truly blessed and happy, but it's just too good to be true. The only time of my whole damn seventeen life, have I truly attained tranquility, joy, and all the good things I have ever wished for since I was younger till now, and I have to ruin this night by telling myself it's too good to be true. I see the scar on my left wrist as a constant reminder of my past defaults. Somedays I shut my eyes and reminisce of my childhood like an old film playing back. It wasn't the best childhood two parents can provide, it's not the worst either. Sometimes I reminisce so hard, I see the fragments of memory I wish I had long forgotten, The chapter where I see them yelling at each other, the part where she was crying to herself in bed, but they have already been closely etched to the mind. I wish I could unstitch those memories, and maybe I could be less skeptical about how things roll during the good times. There are times I imagine myself draped in a silk rope by the beach, sitting by the porch under an ordinary glass house, watching the sun sinking into the orange sea. A glass of red wine by my right hand, my lover's hand on the other. Sometimes I wish life could be simple and subtle, just like that.

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” -Oscar Wilde

P.S. I finally got the mood to reply some comments left in my comment box, although I only approved one per post. I just don't like to entertain where you bought this and how you did that comments. Ciao!

2008-09-06T11:55:00.004+08:00

READY SET GO!

I guess I have never felt so happy being with people I love,

And for any matter, people who are true to me.

Last night was a "happy drunk night", which comes by rarely

Let me guide you through,

I define myself with 3 kinds of drunkenness,

1) Happy drunk - where I laugh over the slightest thing, which might not even turn out funny. I wake up in the morning, hangover (checked), and a smile drawn on my face (checked).

2) Stone drunk - where I stone while drinking, literally thinking about nothing. Nothingness seeps into my vein, or maybe in this case, alcohol. Blank. Sleep. Hangover (checked), feeling stoned (checked)

3) Emotional drunk - where I get sensitive over the slightest thing, like heat is to snow. Anything, and I mean ANYTHING, that hits the tear duct trigger - BANG, there goes that bucket of tears, and a lot of on-going rambling about whatever. Hangover (checked), feeling like shit in the morning (checked)

So I was a happy drunk last night, for once. Danny would be elated to hear this, and as usual, even the "happy-drunk" has not proven 100% sensibility. I ought to wear a dog tag with my address next time.

P.S. I still can't believe we stole the jug out of the club last night!

2008-08-26T20:39:00.010+08:00

26. JAI GURU DEVA OM

Gold Fish V.1
& We're urrrgry like that

& We decided to pose as tourists of S'pore

Neoprint? Old school?!

We're BEAT!

"Living is easy with eyes closed
Misunderstanding all you see.
It’s getting hard to be someone.
But it all works out,
It doesn’t matter much to me."

So she asked me a question

"What are you running away from?"

Flabbergasted

I have nothing and no one at all to dodge

No one but me and my past

To come to terms that nothing's gonna change

Pretty much ironic

Oh well

The wonders of life

Is not birth

nor death

But the emotions and feelings

that transcend anything else

And the greatest gift bestowed upon us

Love

Life

2008-08-23T00:29:00.002+08:00

21. YOU'D KILL YOURSELF FOR RECOGNITION; KILL YOURSELF TO NEVER EVER STOP

Smoke our lungs out

Afterall, pot is still better than none.

Dancefloor baby

Fuckface

Morning the next hangover

Anti-smoker

Danny's BIG day

Gotta love THE birthday boy

High and Dry

Bi-high

Spins@lepak

Marissa's BIG day!

Cupcake teeth

Repeal 377A

P.S. And so I say,

Some nights are better spent sober

2008-08-22T01:06:00.001+08:00

22. Quiet

All the waves of blame arrange as broken scenery
As they steal your best memories away
What if I was someone different in your only history?
Would you feel the same
As I walk out the door
Never to see your face again

And it'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here

I don't expect anything

I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything to change when I leave

2008-08-19T22:56:00.002+08:00

So I guess it's more than meets the eye

There are so much feelings that fills beyond my emotional brim

Nonchalance, it weighs out all cynical thoughts

And I guess this is it

While you lost all inspirations

Backing spacing while you find the right words

Blank

Perhaps a blessing in disguise

A quiet night

Finding some comfort in nothingness

Cigarettes, let it be my bandages for the night

2008-08-11T23:54:00.014+08:00

THE BRINK OF AN AMEN

"They're certainly entitled to think that, and they're entitled to full respect for their opinions... but before I can live with other folks I've got to live with myself. The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience." - Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

2008-08-08T21:26:00.004+08:00

08. Vienna

"To err is human, to forgive divine"

I can't comprehend how I get on my own back each time,

And add a load or more of burdens or whatnot.

And these daunting thoughts as they haunt me every night

I hum the psalms till cigarette buds marks twilight

To find yourself in a place of emptiness you can't define

Or maybe, you're too afraid to make the call

Sometimes in the midst of convincing yourself to let go of these frivolous thoughts

You end up wallowing in them

Reality? What is it?

The meaning of life that I can never take on?

Or is it merely life, and I am running

Afraid

Because I never recall feelings so algid

so distant

And I turn to you

Sometimes I empty the pockets of my heart

And I can't help but to wonder

Is it worth keeping you in

2008-08-04T02:15:00.002+08:00

CLICK ENTER

This is why sunday is the first day of the week, and saturday the last.

Mondays, have I mention that I loathe them?

2008-07-25T23:21:00.003+08:00

And even as today

As I'm leaving

Even as things are going to change

And even if we can't go back to to the starting point

Will we still give up this race?

And sometimes I even wonder

What's the point of the finish line

Because after all

I'm just a "no one",

Maybe I lost faith in your uncertainties

In me

In you

In this

2008-07-22T21:59:00.003+08:00

I don't understand

And sometimes I try too hard to comprehend

Could it be that I am expecting too much out of this?

Or could it be that I am afraid

Could it be that I have turned into such a skeptic

So much so I couldn't handle my thoughts all at once

Perhaps there are things we'll never say

Perhaps this is the safest distance we'll ever stay

With nothing more to expect

& Nothing less

2008-07-21T15:18:00.006+08:00

CLASSMATES ARE AWESOMENESS

Mondays are... like this

Boring and subtle like this

And I like it like this

Posting a boring post like this

Doing things like this

Rambling on like this

Mondays are... like this

2008-07-16T00:30:00.002+08:00

02. Maybe, Maybe Not

There are times you reminisce upon past episodes

How they strike and stir up emotions

Sometimes you wish there are some part of your life

You could tear out and pretend it never happened

But it did after all

How I wish life was like a thick sketchbook

Where pages can be torn

Ceasing to realize we leave marks behind

And like a ripple effect

When you sketch too hard

You leave a trace behind on the next page

You squeeze your eyes shut

praying it to be a dream

But you still feel pain, anguish, disappointment

You do your routine

But everyday you achieve a different angle

A different perspective for life

I tripped too much on my mistakes

So much I am still living with them

There are times you'd die to be ordinary

But are they worth killing for?

What would you have achieved then

If not for those mistakes.

2008-07-10T23:31:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I wonder how to let go, and let live

To accept, and give in

I never thought I'll figure anything out

But I just did.

Have you ever felt accomplished?

Felt relived that you found yourself from where you derive

I deleted all the entries

letting down all emotional baggages

And I guess it's time to let go

and let live

and give in

It's life

And there's gotta be more to it

You may ask yourself the queerest questions in life

and the answer would simply be

"What Would Jesus Do?"

I guess I found my answer

to the riddle of life