2 years...

Its been 2 years and more since I've visited this space.

Well, I guess writing sorrows for the wastepaper basket was too much. I stopped.

But the words in my head, they didn't.

I grew up, graduated, and found a job like everyone else.

I grew out of this phase like I'm suppose to.

Well just because its concealed, doesn't mean its non-existent.

Feelings included.

“I don’t think there is anything higher than love. I mean, I’m not sure what could possibly come after love because love is so expansive. I had such difficult coming up with a definition for love in my book, but the way I define love is the selfless promotion of the growth in the other…”

- Tim Sanders

The world doesn’t adapt their perspective towards you just because you changed, just because you feel that you have more love to give. Global warming does not eliminate itself just because one person conserves.

I used to be fearless, in a sense I couldn’t give about how people judge. But while talking to him yesterday, this big enormous fear just explodes in me. I feel afraid to go out. I feel like I’m in Zombieland, not the comedy version. The real life human don’t give a damn you’re human/dog eat dog world version. I sense cruelty in this cult, everyone wants to be a better version of themselves, but they want something more: To also be a better version of you.

Backstabbing exist no more. Its raining blades today. You can’t shelter yourself with umbrellas! You gotta build 4 walls and a ceiling above you! That is if you can even find a solid ground!

People draw near only if you have something to offer, more often that offer is not just a simple friendship, or love.

Sometimes I feel like I only have myself to trust. They speak of you like you’ve never been hurt, never been betrayed. They speak of you like they’re perfect. Like they know you better than you will ever, EVER know yourself. They speak of you as if you’re not human.

But I’m only human. We are only human.

The dimensions of reality is difficult to latch on. Simple things like trust, faith, belief become complex to the human brain.

How else can you find closure?

I guess I found mine, to see beauty in wreckage. To apologise to yourself and move on.

I want to start writing





Again.

Mute

Because I bear not to remove this space

But I am moving

再见

17. Goodbye

I wish sometimes you'd judge yourself more than you'd judge me. I wish sometimes instead of waiting for me to trip on my mistakes you'd care more. i wish sometimes you'd just shut the fuck and and listen. For once. And just when I thought I've met another beautiful soul you came around to prove me wrong. So thank you very much, for judging me, and being there to kick me when I tripped, thank you for jesting my wounds for you know nothing, nothing at all about me. As much as I wanna turn the tables to defend you, your actions, your words, I can't find no more reasons to do that anymore. I know I am no better human being myself but still, thank you very much. For being there for nothing.

Love,
me

21. You Hold Me Without Touch

"What's the best thing thats ever happened to you?"

He asked

I was stuck for that moment

Dumbfounded

I imagined my birth

A mother's smile

I traced back to moments of folly

Careful not to lapse

"Everything

everything is the best thing thats ever happened to me

I see everything as God's plan

Bad things shape you to become who you are

Good things are blessings i guess"

I never knew life was the best thing

Thats ever happened to me

P.S. thanks for reminding me

"The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late,
is that the more that you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer,
because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt." 

-Thomas Merton

One year from now, I was searching for something, I still am. I still can't grasp reality, can't see beauty beyond flaws. Its ugly, downright ugly. This world, everyone with me included. When I look through these pages, I feel so vulnerable and exposed, almost too bare. I can't keep the walls down, I can't give a part of me I know someone can break - my heart

08. Laugh, because it's either laugh or cry

I've been running out of cynical thoughts

Something to manifest about

I'm stuck in this realm where everything is just the way it is

I'm waiting for someone to shake this realm I'm in

May I acknowledge your existence as such

Because pain has never felt this awakening

Acquiesced without ratification

Silence

Because no talk nor act

Nor even love

Could resurrect this

We dropped the key a damn long time ago

Laying back to back between a latched door

& this is only as close as it will get

With nothing more

& nothing less

Have you ever felt this way? You gave in, and gave up, just for that special friend, pour in your heart and soul to nurture it, but it's still not good enough. What is not good enough, the fact that I am your human doormat? The fact that putting in an inch of effort is that demanding a burden when I am still silently cautiously deciphering your diary to figure that everything is depreciated? I don't wanna compare. The list could go on. Your list could go on. My list could go on. And I justified all reasons for you not to care, and I couldn't bear to single out any one of them. 

A: I was told that I am one human doormat

B: no

You are a human doormat with a "welcome" sign

*

I can't believe that I am blogging about this 6:27 in the morning...

03. Blindsided

At times we lose track of what we want in the first place

The hypothesis seems strange

Strange enough to shape irony

How did I go out of point?

How did pain become my comfort zone?

He said - "you can never describe happiness, until you believe in it"

What do you believe in?

30. Boston

Letting emotions flow through your eyes

While staring at your reflection

Trying to suss things out

While hating every bit of your guts

Its an ironic human condition

Have you watched yourself cry so hard 

You cry harder upon the reality of being ever so crushed?

Everyday I remind myself 

Its just a phase

And its about time to take a turn

But its always easier to write pain than to write happiness

So many unanswered questions

Why?

Last night while sitting beside D,

A kid ran to a seat beside ours

"Mummy I am tired I wanna sit down" - she said

I turned & whispered

"A small kid knows better than us, to rest after a long run. Maybe its time to stop walking, crippling, running. Maybe it's just time to stop, no need to ponder, no need to think - just breathe"

11. Where's My Head

Recently

I find myself wanting to drown myself in a pool of tears

Then I realised I am done doing that

I am put in a position where I am forced to grow up

All I want is a day minus the drama

I find myself in a pressure cooker position

Whereby you don't even know when the pressure will act up

I am pretty much left with no choice

I realised I might have changed

Unknowingly

I guess its time

& I'll move on

p.s. morning jog tmr at 6am... hope it doesn't rain

10. " Sunset is the saddest light of the day."

Where unfamiliar places bring you

the solitary solitude

intriguing strangers

& a new breath of liberation

Sometimes someone along tells you something you have been trying to figure

Put it in a nice sentence

& make you think about it the whole day

I wished I know better

I wished my soul never trace me back here

I am tired of all of your initial one-liners

burnished with end-notes & apologies

Maybe I was cynical all along

But it kept me really strong

I am not defeated

Yet

10. Le Lies & Alibies

What is it again? The same phrases, coming from the same phases.

And guess what, it is the reason why I don't believe the reality of love, the reason why I restrain myself from staking my own emotions, my own heart. I dont want to elevate and dive right back in crashing again.

It's all and always the same.

Please remind me why you'd pour those words out sincerely, knowing one day you'll take it all back.

05. "Reality can destroy the dream; why shouldn't the dream destroy reality?"  

When was the last time you did something without the expense of your own happiness? When was the last time someone told you that you deserve that happiness, and really mean it? Sometimes you feel like you want to move on and leave the baggage you lift off from square one. Seemingly cinch. The next step is only to keep an eye on the light, but the light never fails to cast a long narrow shadow behind your back reminding you of your past defaults. The irony of it all, I always look back and get drawn into that shadow, and I run, and I run, and that shadow runs with me. I lost a lot, for what used to be part of the magnitude in my life. I have learnt for most parts, multi-tasking is a real bitch. In quest to defend both others' and my own feelings, I was defeated terribly. It dawned to me that when you fight for your own happiness, you fight alone. And sometimes it's just so hard reminding myself to keep up to just as simple as having a good day, for once, for myself. Sometimes I feel like my faith has constantly been battered and the meltdowns are what people don't see, yet judge you for. At the end of it all, what really matters? Sometimes I feel as though I am containing life, which really should be the other way around instead.  

Between living life and living regrets, I wish I could choose the former.

03. Remembering Sunday

What will you risk to love somebody? Would you risk the ghost of your past to guard the present? The foundation of lies is creepy at times. But both truths and lies, they stand on same grounds.

Dreaming seems so much easier these days... and I guess that margin between dreams and reality is...., i don't know, I can't draw a line between them both. Because I don't know how to accept the reality of it all, the realization of it all, the bottom line of everything else. 

She said that perhaps things feel different, and foreign, and dreaming is so much better. But when we wake up and we don't have what we dreamt about, we ought to go find it, and fight until we have it. She told me I deserve more. 

I digress.

I tried. 

Vulnerability in love is but inevitable. Endings are bleak, let me breathe.

Okay, another adv for my dear friend ALFRED! 

Do visit his online store:

CLICK HERE

Okay I seldom do selling post ad but do check out this online store set up by a friend!!!!

http://jackroom.livejournal.com/

And anyway I have decided to create Twitter in my boring office hours

http://twitter.com/Swinggg

15. out of reach

Pace 

For the time I'm gone

It's as though time stopped forever

I thought about people, and more people

How they rendered in my life

or maybe not

I gave significance a new hint

I gave it to me

I could be happy

I should be

Its only one way to begin

For once I apprehend that when your world stops revolving

No one stops for you

No one stops with you

& when you lost momentum in life

You see people move on

But you are still here

Like a photograph

Living in that moment

For that moment

Its heartbreaking