24. zzzZZzZZZzzzzZZzzzz

"We've come to a point where we don't care how we dress to school anymore..." 

School's a bitch, there's so many project it weighs me down to my feet. And talking about weight, I've lost confidence in stepping onto a weighing machine knowing that those 2 nasty digits would weigh me down even more. Let me see, I ate Mee Goreng, Nasi bryani mutton, lots of curry, 4 packets of potato chips and chicken rice today. That equates to almost 4 meals, not just for today, but every single day. My stress relief formula is causing me to be even more stressed. 23 days to my birthday and also the end of this annoying semester. Till then.

16. Dear Mom,

I had a huge quarrel with my mom yesterday before leaving the house, those typical childish arguments. I left without saying bye and slammed the door hard. It felt really good on my part. I should really just grow up shouldn't I? Came home and I was looking for my I/C in her drawer (turning 18 soon so yes, there's finally a point to carry it around) and I found a letter I wrote to her when I was 9 years old...

"To: Dear Mom!!!

We are not the richest people but we're not poor [either] mom, but you have made me the richest girl in the world! [It is] Your love and care which money can't buy. This is the greatest gift from you! Although I am naughty sometimes, but i do not like you to scold me! Everyday I pray to God that you will be safe and healthy because I Love You!"

From: Amanda"

I was 9 years old so don't expect any fancy language from me. I like me when I was 9 because I am this straightforward. And to understand that love isn't about buying me the latest Barbie doll on the rack revealed that I was a little grown up in my own ways, when I was 9. 

I was so childish yesterday morning. Slap me.

14. Beauty out of the wreck

Was semi-blinded today as my contact lenses gave me problems again (yet again). Took my contacts out, wrapped up my day in school and carried a huge burden home with me. Have you ever felt sorry for yourself that you might just let out a huge cry? I was on the bus, crowded as usual. Suppressing the tears in my eyes I shuffled to seek for my mp3. Sad songs, why did I even place them in the first place? Set my concentration to outside the window, the blurry sights kept me distracted from my own feelings, and there and then, it all fell into place. The passing trees, the pale green leaves wending in rhythm with the wind, Obscure but beautiful indeed. I guess that's all that ever matters, looking with the heart. 

Obscurity can sometimes be such beauty.

2 months ago...

"I think...

I don't know anything anymore, any much, any less. I don't wanna know, don't think I wanna know. Oblivious is nothing but a beautiful bliss, adequate tragedy. Love, is nothing but deluded propaganda to make the world a "better place". If only we can all hail "fuck off", and everyone can say "yeah, fuck". This is nothing but a stupid fucking blog post. But do I care? Do I give a fucking damn? So far I know of nothing that overwhelms me, not even death, not love, nor life. Whatever that is, life must be a whole damn shit of conspiracy, lies, and more lies. I am a lie, so is everyone else. How else do we convey true feelings, true to the bones, honesty that gives chills down the spine back to the toes. Truth that gives a ringing sensation, something fresh to keep you awake without caffeine. So live, live in the dream we dream, hate and love as you want to, nothings gives in, nothing breathes out. Nothingness is a spiraling..."

Today...

What could have possibly made me this angry 2 months ago? ...

I have to skip school today because of my sore eyes, its pretty cool to see your eyes fully bloodshot, way cooler than marilyn manson's pupil BS. Felt like a little kid when I knocked on my mom's door to tell her that I need to go the doctor later. She was like, "how old are you? just walk to the clinic yourself later?!" 

Yeah, I almost forgot the fact that I am turning 18 in a month's time. Totally. I don't know what's with me, post pms or something? I went to my room and cried for a little (mostly because I felt like my mom doesn't care so nobody cares), felt like a 5 year old all over again.

 

But the bottom line is, I still have to go to the docs later. Myself. I have no idea why, but every time when I go to the doc alone, I feel a sense of accomplishment, like wow I am an adult and I can do this myself. i feel like I am at this mid-age, where I am neither a kid nor an adult. I want to grow up, yet I adore being a kid. But being a teen is good, it's all good. You can never laugh the way you laugh when you're a kid, never make childish jokes when you grow up, make yourself a total embarrassment in public without giving a damn. You can never fall in love like the first time you did with your childhood crush. Its all good. Yes, I am embracing it.

"The world is a playground. We knew that as a kid. But somewhere along the line we forgot that."  

- Allison

Confessions of a teenager.......... Darn....